December 12, 2019.
I’m sorry for fucking up and always fucking up.
I know I’ve said this before and I meant it then and still now. I miss you everyday. I think about you everyday.
I know we probably aren’t meant to be friends right now.
I know our lives are different.
I know we are completely different people now.
but honestly.. the last time I cried laughed was with you and that means something to me.
I was a bitch to you. I thought I was doing what is best for us but I wasn’t.
I hated myself so much that year. I hated everything about myself, I wasn’t happy.
I couldn’t cry or laugh… I didn’t love myself anymore and I took that out on you.
I hated that I never saw you.
I was jealous of your life.
I was jealous I wasn’t apart of your new life.
I stopped being friends with you when you needed me most and I hate myself for that.
I was or am still toxic. I realize this.
I’m just sorry, I’m sorry all the time.
I’m sad.
I’m sad that you’re my bestfriend and you’re not even going to come to my wedding.
I’m sad because you’re supposed to be my maid of honor.
I’m sad that we don’t drive and smoke cigs together.
I would smoke an entire pack of cigarettes just to spend a single night with you in our car screaming to The 1975 like idiots.
I have friends now, good friends but you’re my bestfriend.
You and Landon are that to me.
I talk about you all the time like you’re still here.
Everyone thinks I’m dumb probably.
It’s just weird now.
It’s weird not calling you.
It’s weird without you.
It was weird seeing you and not hugging you.
I walked past you at meijer and went into the closest aisle and kneeled down and started crying, cause ima little bitch.
But I did it to myself.
You won’t see this, or maybe you will. If you do, don’t text me. or do. idk.
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I’d love it if we made it
